The Numerous Deaths of Santa Claus: A Highlands and Islands Detective Thriller
G R Jordan
The Numerous Deaths of Santa Claus
A Highlands and Islands Detective Thriller
First published by Carpetless Publishing 2020
Copyright © 2020 by G R Jordan
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
G R Jordan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
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First edition
ISBN: 978-1-914073-04-5
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Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgement
Novels by G R Jordan
Chapter 01
Chapter 02
Chapter 03
Chapter 04
Chapter 05
Chapter 06
Chapter 07
Chapter 08
Chapter 09
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Read on to discover the Patrick Smythe series!
About the Author
Also by G R Jordan
Foreword
This story is set around the prosperous city of Inverness in the north of Scotland. Although set amongst known cities, towns and villages, note that all persons and specific places are fictional and not to be confused with actual buildings and structures which have been used as an inspirational canvas to tell a completely fictional story.
Acknowledgement
To Susan, Harold, Evelyn, Pete, Joan, Wendy, Jean and Rosemary for your work in bringing this novel to completion, your time and effort is deeply appreciated.
Novels by G R Jordan
The Highlands and Islands Detective series (Crime)
Water’s Edge
The Bothy
The Horror Weekend
The Small Ferry
Dead at Third Man
The Pirate Club
A Personal Agenda
A Just Punishment
The Numerous Deaths of Santa Claus
Our Gated Community
The Patrick Smythe Series
The Disappearance of Russell Hadleigh (Crime)
The Graves of Calgary Bay
The Fairy Pools Gathering
Austerley & Kirkgordon Series (Fantasy)
Crescendo!
The Darkness at Dillingham
Dagon’s Revenge
Ship of Doom
Supernatural and Elder Threat Assessment Agency (SETAA) Series (Fantasy)
Scarlett O’Meara: Beastmaster
Island Adventures Series (Cosy Fantasy Adventure)
Surface Tensions
Dark Wen Series (Horror Fantasy)
The Blasphemous Welcome
The Demon’s Chalice
Chapter 01
Carly was annoyed. It was Emma’s fault that she had taken this job and the girl was nowhere in sight. Be an elf , she said; bit of Christmas money , she said. Carly had briefly met the man who was to be Santa and she had taken a dislike to him already. Although the man was over six feet tall and built like the proverbial brick house, he had given Carly the once-over like she was a prize turkey at Christmas and leering from behind that white beard, he had given her the creeps. There would be no Ho-Ho-Hoing about with him.
The elf outfit was ridiculous too. Carly could live with the pointy ears and green felt hat on her head, even with the smart green and red jacket and shoes with the curly, pointed ends. But the tights. This was a kid’s grotto and the elves had been given sheer tights that barely seemed to cover any leg at all. It was a good job they had seen the outfits yesterday allowing Carly to grab some thick white tights. If she were going to stand in an outdoor grotto she would be as warm as she could.
Emma stuck her head into the ladies’ toilets where Carly was standing in her gaudy outfit. The girl had those sad eyes on and Carly was beginning to feel angry.
‘No bloody way are you getting out of this! Don’t give me those eyes that say I’m sick. You’re going to do this with me. It was your idea after all.’
The first term at the University had been fun and Carly had become firm friends with Emma, but the girl was prone to get carried away, sign them up for things, and then get nervous at the last moment. There was no way Carly was doing this one alone. Not with Pervy Santa beside her.
‘Has he asked you onto his knee yet?’ laughed Emma. ‘I reckon he switched the tights just for you. Surprised he didn’t pop a wee thing in there for a laugh.’
‘You’re bad,’ said Carly. ‘All joking aside, it would not surprise me if he made a grab for your arse.’
‘It’s not my arse he wants, girlfriend. I think he likes his blondes. Can see him having a cheeky fondle.’ With that, Emma pinched Carly’s bottom.
‘Shut up and get changed. We only have another ten minutes and we’re on. I heard there’s a queue of kids out there already.’
‘Looked busy when I came in,’ said Emma, taking off her coat and starting to change. ‘I can’t believe I have to change in here either. You’d think they could get some decent changing areas sorted. I mean they must have staff lock-ups.’
‘They do but they are communal. There was no way I was getting my kit off in front of Pervy Santa.’
‘I’m going to end up calling him that,’ laughed Emma. ‘How do you think he’d take it?’
‘Probably turn him on. Just make sure you watch my back. You’ve got a strapping boyfriend to come and knock his lights out if he tries anything on you. I have no one.’
‘And who’s fault is that?’
‘Piss off. I am not dating Neil Mackenzie. The guy’s a geek. But seriously, watch my back. You can get Dave to come round if the guy gets too frisky.’
Emma laughed again. ‘Dave? He’d probably watch.’
‘That’s
awful. He’s well into you, Emma. Are you seeing him tonight?’
Emma pulled her green jacket over her head and pulled on the thick white tights Carly had bought. ‘Yes, I am, so don’t wait up.’
‘Wait up? Don’t wake me up. I’ve never known someone be so loud in a bedroom.’
‘Well, with the right man.’ The girls sniggered before falling silent as the door was rapped.
‘Are we ready, girls?’ It was Mr Haskins, the owner of the garden centre whose Grotto the girls were about to be gainfully employed in.
‘Just about.’
The door opened and the small figure of Dermott Haskins stepped in. He was dressed in a smart silver suit and Carly thought he looked more like a gangster than a garden centre owner. Emma was standing with her tights halfway up her legs, jacket on but her pants showing. She would not blush; Carly knew that but then again, maybe Haskins would not either. He was a little greasy.
‘Good, good, nearly there, Emma. Now Kieran has been ready for about half an hour, waiting in the grotto. I thought we could get a photograph later of Santa’s elves sitting on his knee for the papers. You girls wouldn’t mind that, would you? And what’s with the white tights? There’s no real snow in the grotto.’
‘It’s still cold in there, Mr Haskins,’ said Emma, almost flashing her eyes at him as she half crouched, still not fully dressed.
‘It is but I do think the original tights look better. But too late for that. I did want to do a summer grotto, Santa on a beach, bikinis and Bermuda shorts. My wife said it wouldn’t suit the kids. Maybe she’s right, but it would get the Dads coming, eh?’
Carly laughed along with Emma but as soon as the man shut the door, they looked at each other, pretending to be sick.
‘Come on,’ said Carly; ‘best to get it over with. If Pervy Santa’s been sitting in that ice box for a half hour, he’s not going to be able to function anyway.’
‘Not until he sees his favourite elf.’
‘Shut up. Let’s go.’
Emma led the way out of the toilets and along a back corridor of the garden centre until they came to a door that led to a large, gravelled area at the rear of the main buildings. A large tent had been erected, the outside of which had reindeer, elves, and snowmen on it. Walking around to the front of the tent, Carly saw a queue of children and parents and did her best to smile as a small child pointed Carly out to her mum. The girls quickly slid inside the entrance to the tent.
‘Shit, look at the lights in here.’
‘I think it would be better if Santa’s Elves don’t swear,’ said Mr Haskins. ‘Now you can take a half hour at a time inside the grotto and then swap. One of you will control the queue out here and the other just take the kids through, make sure they get their toy and photograph on leaving. That reminds me—where is that bloody clown with the camera?’
Carly sniggered as Mr Haskins ran off and watched Emma defiantly walk over to the small fence that surrounded the grotto. The inside of the tent had a winding path laid out with winter scenes of penguins and snowmen that culminated at a small house with a wooden fence around it. As the elves, one of the girls would man the entrance to the house ensuring an orderly queue and a steady flow to the house, while the other would assist Santa inside. Emma was making sure she was on the queue duties first.
‘No way, tart,’ said Carly. ‘I’m not going inside the house with Pervy Santa.’
‘Don’t you mean love den?’
Carly punched Emma on the shoulder. ‘Stop it! I mean it; he’s too creepy; it’s not funny.’
‘Look, Dave said he was popping his head in around now and if I’m in the house he’ll not see me. He’s hardly going to pay for a visit to Santa. At least out here he will be able to see me.’
‘You’re seeing him tonight, so what the hell’s the difference?’
‘I want to see if he likes my elf outfit. I could maybe wear it later and—’
‘Stop! No details, okay. I have to wear this outfit too, and I don’t want any image in my head of you altering this costume.’
‘I think Dave might like a pointy eared babe on top of him. He likes that woman off Star Trek with the pointy ears. In fact, he said the other night . . .’
Carly was holding a hand up and turning her head away in a pose that she had displayed to Emma more than once before. ‘Too many details, I told you. I’ll go in the house if you stop telling me about your sex life.’
The speakers inside the tent began to blast out a rendition of ‘Santa Claus Is Coming to Town’ and Carly struggled to hear what Emma said next. No doubt it would be about how Dave did this or that to her and Carly did not want to know. She was no prude, but she was happy in her own love life, dead as it was, without having to experience that of other people.
A photographer burst through the front entrance to the tent with Dermott Haskins behind him, poking him forward with his finger. ‘Get to the rear of the house and wait for Carly here to call you through for the photographs.’
The photographer was a man of nearly sixty and he did not like the way he was being treated, but Mr Haskins was not in a mood for complaints. ‘Okay, girls, places please,’ he shouted loudly, and Carly watched Emma give a little kiss to her, followed by a saucy hip movement. Mr Haskins was watching Emma’s tease of Carly and she thought he was going to give a rebuke but then as Emma kept going with her exaggerated actions, he simply watched, smiling. Carly shook her head and walked off to the house where Pervy Santa waited inside.
Passing by the small, wooden fence, Carly walked the paved path before her. The garden centre had really gone for broke with this setup and for a moment Carly almost felt proud to be associated with it, and with the chance to put a smile on so many children’s faces. But Pervy Santa was still inside.
Opening the wooden door, Carly peered inside and saw that Santa was sitting on board his sleigh but was slumped at the reins. Two reindeer, one with a red nose, stood in front of the sleigh, and although plastic, in the dim light they certainly looked real enough. A stack of presents was in the rear of the sleigh and Carly remembered that boys were on the right and girls on the left, each section increasing in age by two years as they went back from the front seats of the sleigh.
‘They’re coming, Kieran.’ Pervy Santa did not move, still slumped backwards. Maybe this was a trick designed to get her closer to him. Maybe he would feign death to force her to give him the kiss of life. How awful would it be to place your lips on this guy?
‘I said they’re coming, Kieran.’
Again, there was no movement. Was this just a plan to grab hold of her as she neared him? There was no reason to say he was out to get her. The man just looked pervy. Carly swore he was almost drooling when he saw Emma and herself the first time. But then maybe she was just imagining it all. He was married after all. But the magazines said that married men were the worst, especially for being forceful.
Enough Carly, just enough, she thought. Carly walked up to Pervy Santa and touched his shoulder, expecting him to jump up and make a funny comment. But there was nothing. No movement. Not even a grunt.
‘Come on, Kieran.’
Despite the music, Carly could hear the sound of running feet entering the tent along with cries of delight. Inside a minute, someone would be here to see Santa and so far, the festive bringer of gifts was looking like he had drunk too many sherries. This would not be good. Hopefully, Emma would have the wit to check if everything were okay before she started shuttling the little ones inside. Then again, she was probably looking out for Dave. He was a nice guy and all that, but she never shut up about him. Or her sex life with him.
Carly put a hand on Kieran’s shoulder and began to shake him gently. Again, there was nothing and she swore she could smell drink off him. That was all they needed—a pissed-up Santa. Still, that was not her problem and if he kept his hands to himself, she really could not care less what state he was in.
r /> ‘And here’s my friend, Carly. She’s one of Santa’s head elves too and she’ll be taking you to meet with Santa who . . . seems to be having a lie down at the moment. Well, he has travelled all the way from the north pole.’ Carly’s head shot round and produced a smile that could have adorned a toothpaste commercial. But like those smiles, it was false.
‘Santa’s just going to be a moment, kids,’ said Carly and again gave Kieran a small nudge.
There were four kids in the party that had come through the door to Santa’s grotto and they had a parent with them who did not look impressed. Carly continued to smile until her gentle shaking of Kieran brought no response and so she mounted the sleigh and stood beside Kieran grabbing his shoulders forcefully. She shook him hard and then struggled to hold him as he slid towards her. Grabbing his top, she tried to hold on, but he fell into her and together they tumbled off the sleigh onto the grotto floor. Carly tried to recover herself and knelt beside Kieran but found that the man’s eyes were open and staring blankly.
Had he had a heart attack? Was he in a coma? Had the booze simply got to him? There was a definite whiff of alcohol in the air. Then, to Carly’s horror, one of the kids ran up beside her and stared at Kieran sprawled on the floor. The girl screamed loudly. She tore off to the entrance of the grotto and threw open the door. The child was only five or six but with tiny lungs at full volume, she shouted out to the excited throng in the tent.